When facing a family visit, people often have
ambivalent feelings, wanting to make everyone happy, yet dreading the work and
potential personal conflicts that loom ahead.
Expectations
You
may feel obligated to put everyone up at your house and prepare all the meals
because you think that’s what is expected of you. While giving to others can be
deeply fulfilling, it’s best to give at a level where you can do so
wholeheartedly and lovingly rather than resentfully. You don’t want to slip
into martyrdom.
Instead
of succumbing to what you think is expected, decide what you are willing to do
and state so up front.
If,
for example, you are happy to prepare one meal, graciously invite everyone for
that meal. “I invite you all for dinner on Friday night. On Saturday, we can go
out,” or “You’re on your own.” “You can pick up your favorite breakfast
groceries at the store down the street.”
People
like to know what is expected in the way of itinerary, sleeping arrangements,
kids’ rules, differing holiday traditions, and dogs. If you clarify
expectations and don’t promise too much, you can be giving without becoming
exasperated and resentful. When you communicate clearly ahead of time, people
are less likely to be disappointed because they understand the game plan and
your expectations.
Saying
“No.”
If
your relatives or friends tend to ignore your requests, hints, and desires, or
are generally unpleasant, then there’s no need to accommodate them with meals
or housing, unless you are willing and able to live up to Mother Theresa’s
philosophy: “People are generally irrational, unreasonable and selfish. Love
them anyway.”
You
can say “no” while still communicating warm-heartedly. For example, “That’s not
a good weekend for us to have visitors. We would love to see you though if you
come into town. Call us and we’ll meet for coffee/a drink/lunch.”
by Guest Author Alison Poulsen PhD